ridiculous.

I want to live a life that makes people say ridiculous. I want to be old and in love with the wind. I want to be passionate, appreciative, and in love. I hope to always amuse myself, to find fancy in the things I do. I never want my mind to wander faster then my feet can move. I want to take advantage of every whimsical idea I have. To intern, travel, work, and grow. To read lots of books. To pen my thoughts. I want my life to be founded in serenity and built on commotion. I want to observe more, paint more, converse more. I want to photograph at least one thing that makes me smile each day. I want to be on the go: going forward, never back. Going towards fulfillment. I want a life that inspires me. I want to look at myself in the mirror and say "ridiculous."


p.s. I added two more things to my list of stuff to do before I'm too old:

1. go to the Blue Lagoon in Reykjavik, Iceland
2. learn how to crochet

a bible to call our own.

For my high school graduation I asked for a bible, which means I went to the Christian store in town with Josh and picked out a bible for my parents to give me. The bible I chose was Every Man's Bible. I went with this one because the study portions of it and the extras seemed fitting for me at the time. Then I had an ESV but I lost that in Africa. My desire is to find a good bible at a used book store. I don't know what people do with their old bibles but I feel like giving a decent conditioned bible to the used book store seems practical. I want a used one because there's something intriguing to me about having a bible that once served some else in their relationship with Christ. To grow intimate with Lord through the same bible that He used to grow intimate with another brother or sister, that to me illustrates the essence of the Body. I like the idea of faith continued and passed along. I'm hoping this weekend I can find a used bible.Who knows maybe God will speak to someone and they'll just give me their bible?

Wonderful New Life

Dear Aimee,

Sorry for taking so long to write to you tonight, I was working duty and got preoccupied doing nothing. Here is the big news though:
 On Sunday night I got baptized!!!! AAAAAHHHHHH!! It still excites me when I think about it!! It was wonderful and everything I could have hoped for. The baptism was a small intimate group of only four close friends and took place in my best friend's pool. Three of the people present have played major roles in both my spiritual and personal life and have been/are the people that I am able to talk about anything with and always trust what they have to say is coming from a Christ-centered place. I was so happy to have them there. It was all so surreal as it was going on and didn't feel like my baptism, I couldn't really make sense of any of it in my mind until I got home. Stephen baptized me, everyone was happy, and I was just speechless. I didn't know what to make of it all. Before the baptism they all prayed for me; it was so strange, I didn't feel like I was physically present for any of it. Like my mind was there but I couldn't personalize the experience at all. When I got home it really hit me. I was super excited and couldn't stop smiling. That's when I text everyone to tell them. That's when the word became real. Prior to the baptism I was talking to Stephen at Starbucks about how Romans 6 had really convicted me when it says that through baptism we are buried with Christ, but after the baptism the second part that says we take part in Christ's resurrection through baptism is what became the important part of that message. I felt and still feel  more alive then I ever have. I feel the realness of Christ's resurrection and the realness of new life. What an honor it is to be chosen by the God of the Universe to join in his life, his victory, his glory. I wish someone would have told me about this feeling earlier but I am very happy that I waited the year and eight months to get baptized. My baptism  was as 1 Peter 3:21 says, a response (or pledge) of a clear conscious towards God. The almost two years I took before my baptism allowed me to consciously be aware of the pledge I was making towards God. I was in full understanding of my response. I have always had a problem with commitment but this was the first time I haven't second guessed or worried about a commitment I have made. Life is all the more beautiful and God is all the more closer, not because he has decided to draw closer but become I have finally responded back to his pull. I am baptized and couldn't be happier.

Romans 6:4 We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order, that just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.


Peace&love my friend. Peace&love.

Dear Aimee Miller,

Have you spent time with the Lord today? I believe He desires to direct you and show you the woman of Christ he is calling you to be. I encourage you my dear friend to draw near to Him and become intimate, to allow God to spur your wants. Always praying for you.

Peace&love

Things to be thankful for... one day.

Dear Aimee,

Happy Belated Thanksgiving! I hope your day was filled with Turkey and joy. Mine was good for the most part. Family tension is inevitable but thankfully my brother and I were on good terms today; probably because I only saw him for an hour spread throughout the whole day. I had food poisoning this week so I wasn’t able to eat much today but portion control is always a good thing J… I figured I could write about why I’m thankful but instead I’m going to write a list of things I want to do before I get too old. In no particular order, here it is:

·      Take a year to live in France and write my days away like the Lost Generation
·      Spend several years doing mission work
·      Go cliff jumping in every continent (except maybe Antarctica because that water is COLD!)
·      Sleep on the beach
·      Visit New Orleans
·      Road trip America
·      Ride a camel wearing a tunic and turban in the Middle East
·      Make friends with an old man that will give me wise advice
·      Take a homeless person to dinner
·      Go skiing in the mountains and get snow in my hair
·      Figure out a place to serve within the church
·      Get married
·      Have a wife that wants to embrace change
·      Have children with awesome names
·      Become part of an activist group
·      Intern for a rad organization
·      Picture document my life
·      Learn four foreign languages
·      Own a cool shop, like a used book store or something of that sort
·      Graduate from college (but if I can do the rest of this list without this one then I won’t complain)
·      Do a backflip
·      Learn to play an instrument
·      Read an entire book in one day
·      See The Machinist
·      Make friends around the world
·      Live in an Earthship House

I think that’s good for now, I’m sure there’s more, I’ll keep you updated.

Peace&love

Oy!

Aimee,

It's 3:00am and I just finished three hours of resume and cover letter writing. I have a one on one at 10:00am, I'm too nervous to sleep. Not because of the one on one but because I just submitted an application for an internship but I'm not at liberty to disclose where to right now. I can tell you however, I put under my skills: "proficient in growing facial hair." OY!! WHY?!?! I don't know either. I thought it was clever and would make it stand out. They said they wanted to be wowed by my sparkling wit. I'm such an idiot!  Oh well my friend.

Oh, and again, I'm super stoked for you and making it straight to the final interview for Teach for America! That's so wonderful and such a great opportunity!!! I'll be praying for you.

...facial hair growing? really? oy! Oh, and I straight up said I don't have the experience. I STINK at this!

In Regards to His Plan

Dear Aimee,

Today, we finally got to catch up in person after what feels like a month of not seeing each other. It made me happy. However, there are a few things that don't make me happy: the fact that people leave the role they play in my life, worries, uncertainty, enmity, and sin.

The point of development for this tangled web of dislike starts with uncertainty. We are uncertain. Every single person that lives, has lived, and will live exists in a state of uncertainty. No one knows what the next five minutes of his/her life will bring. I could die or get a call from a friend or fall asleep before I even finish this letter. I believe that we as people can be certain of only two truths. We can be certain of the Lord and we can be certain that our lives will go on. If there is only two things we can be certain of then that leaves a lot to be uncertain of and this uncertainty leads to worry. But why worry? If we are certain of the Lord then we are certain that He is present. That He is in control. That He knows where our lives will go. Sadly, I know for myself I tend to focus on the other certainty that life will continue. This is a great thing but when we focus on the fact that life will continue then we focus on our earthly lives too often instead of our eternal ones. We begin to worry about how to control the things around us. We focus on the future, relationships, health, wealth, and time. We worry. We put into perspective how short our lives are and how fast they'll go by. We realize that our lives will quickly never be as they presently are. We realize that our friends and the people around us will one day be moved on to their own lives. But why focus on the leaving? Wouldn't it be so much better to focus on the people who will take up new roles in our lives? The people we will meet, serve, love, and learn from? Those people are uncertain though, we don't know whom they are or if there will even be there. We convince ourselves that we need to hold onto what is ours. Our friends. Our families. Our money. Our time. Our space. Our love. We become more compulsive hoarders than the ones on TLC. We hoard everything we are too worried to lose because we are so uncertain as to whether or not we'll always have the things of this present moment. We begin to form a sense of enmity. We become hostile to the world. We believe that the world is trying to take what is ours, trying to replace what we know. We oppose these attempts and close our borders to an extent. We focus on our things. We build our own community and create a division between the world and us hoping that in the end the world will not take from us. When we fall into this mess of a mindset we fall into sin. We separate ourselves from the uncertainties and cling to the things of this world. We spend more time with friends instead of in prayer. We read textbooks and novels more than the Bible. We search google and seek humanly advice instead of seeking the Lord. We put barriers between God and ourselves, thus allowing ourselves to revert back to our sinful nature. We become greedy and selfish, wanting all that we can call ours. We focus solely on the people we worry about losing and neglect all others around us.

We have to be certain of the Lord. If we are certain of the Lord then we can be certain of His word. We can take comfort when His word tells us that nothing is uncertain to Him. When He tells us we have no need to worry. When He tells us that he will provide for us. Where our uncertainty causes us to worry and our worry causes us to focus on people/things that are ours and our intense focus causes us to create a sense of enmity and our hostility causes us to sin; our certainty of the Lord causes us find peace and our peace grants us the ability to accept changes and our acceptance grants us the ability to love freely and our love grants us the ability to keep a guard up to sin. 

So, Aimee, while there are a few things I don't like in and of themselves I realize there are greater reasons as to why I do not like such things. I am also reminded just how important the Lord's role is in our lives is and how much better things would be if I gave him more of me. 

It looks like today was an even better day than I had originally thought. 

Faith in Question

This morning, as in Tuesday morning, I had my weekly Connect Group meeting. The exit we just finished in InnerState80 was primarily on faith and we had some good discussion, but as I read some of the chapters in the book and as we talked I was confronted with the realization that my faith is not all that strong.

Mercedes made the comment that she never doubts if God is real yet she struggles with trusting Him in earthly matters. I on the other hand have the exact opposite problem; I never doubt that God is working in my life and that I can trust Him to be righteous and good. What I do find myself doing quite a bit is questioning, “What if there is no God?”

For my degree I have a concentration in Humanities, which means the predominant themes in a handful of my classes are culture, philosophy, and religion; however, the underlying theme is similarities and progression. These classes like to make a case for the progression of culture and beliefs as a product of man’s development of previously known knowledge, thus connecting everything to a similar origin; especially when it comes to religion. This tests my faith often. When I look at the development of civilization and introduction of religion into cultures and how similar the religions are or how they have progressed I begin to question whether or not God is real or if it is all just the product of man. As I was making a shopping cart for next semester’s classes I was hesitant to sign up for some of the department’s best professors, because I am worried about putting barriers in between Truth and myself. That, though, makes me want to sign up for the classes. What kind of faith is one that can’t withstand testing? I know I don’t want to have a faith that is strong because I shadow it from the realities of the world, I want one the can withstand academic knowledge and informed questioning.

Thankfully, as I was writing this I realized a theme between all the times that I question my faith. I seem to question the realness of Christ when I focus on the similarities of the religions but I am able to reestablish my trust when I remember the differences. When I remember the Gospel.  I believe this is the devil’s greatest temptation for me, his ability to tempt me with doubt. Satan was close to entirely crushing my faith in a god until God himself intervened through Josh last year to open my eyes to the Truth. Satan had almost succeeded by getting me to question once, which is why I think he continues to use it, in hopes of bringing me to the same mental state that I was in a year and a half ago. To combat the darkness I now realize that I must focus on the Light.

My message and preaching were not with wise or persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on man’s wisdom, but on God’s power.

                                                                                       -1 Corinthians 2:4-5

I don't do well with:

• To-do lists
• goals
• plans
• communicating my ideas
• knowing what I want to do
• staying on task
• relating to others' feelings or perspectives
• praying when I say I'm going to
• waking up early
• cleaning my dishes right after I use them
• not spending money
• being singled out
• making decisions 
• parking
• keeping my mind focused on what I'm doing
• remembering what I read
• statistics
• going to class
• choosing productivity over sleep
• hanging flyers
• photographing memories
• reading aloud 
• putting others first at all times
• never doubting my faith or people
• explaining things
• telling stories
• spreading work over time
• remembering to take food out of the freezer in the morning
• correcting people in important matters and not correcting them in frivolous ones 

We Can Love Better...

I was on my way home tonight driving down Alafay with Pandora Radio playing from my phone. As I was approaching campus "Do Better" by Say Anything came on. I got very excited because I will be seeing them with a handful of great friends on November 17th. However, the song became much more than a punk rock song while I was praying tonight, it became a worship song.
As I was struggling to get the song out of my head so I could focus on my prayers something happened and I just started sing new words to the song. The original lyrics at the end of the song are, "we can do better, we can do better, we can be the greatest band in the world;" they became, "we can love better, we can love better, we can serve the greatest God in the world," and variations of such that would emphasize praising God or serving more depending on what came out. I like it, particularly, because this week I've been trying to focus my life on serving and loving others more. I continue to ask myself, "how can I best love and serve so-and-so in this situation?" I think this pondering has come from worship Sunday at church when we sang, "They will know we are Christians by our love, by our love. And they'll know we are Christian by our love." It's true, every word of it is true. People will know we are Christian by how we love others and each other. I know for myself I need to love better. I need be intentional with loving others, taking the time to figure out how to actually love people the best way possible, not how I would like to love them. Loving someone is not a feeling we get inside of ourselves when we think of a person. Loving someone is serving them, attending to their needs, putting them above ourselves. Most often it is easy to distinguish the difference between the I love yous. We know whether it' an I love you as in you're a good person I like being around or an I love you as in you're someone that means a great deal to me and my life or an I love you as in you're important, you matter, here is all of me. If we truly love others the way God calls us to love them, the way Jesus loved them, then our 'I love you' will express the latter of the three. No matter what a person's beliefs are or their lifestyle choice it is important to love them, to place them above ourselves and serve them. As Christians I believe that we can love better and thus serve the greatest God in the world. I sure know that I can.

Simple Options, Endless Joy

I'm excited and almost liberated by the idea of possibilities. I desire arbitrariness and spontaneity, the realness of living. Life is so boring sometimes and it doesn't have to be. The simplest of pleasures are often the greatest. I want to wake up and drive out to the beach for a day. I want hear of an unknown band playing in the area and go to their show. I want to try exotic cuisine at hole-in-the-wall authentic restaurants. I want to go camping and swimming. I want to grab a picnic and head off to an obscure location with friends. I want to see the taping of movies. I want to explore galleries and museums. I want to discover the beauty of classic books. I want to get a bike and ride for miles. I want to take road trips to Dinosaur World and other random attractions. I want to visit thrift and novelty store. I want to find nature, relationships, self, and God. I want a life worth documenting. I want a life in the possibilities.

It's in the Air

I was walking to the office this morning around 11:50 and couldn't help but smile. Autumn is in the air and it's apparent to all! On my one and a half minute journey from my room to work I thought about nothing expect how beautiful the day was and how excited it makes me, I knew it was going to be a good day. Then once at work it seemed everyone I talked to had a comment to make on what a gorgeous day it was outside and how much they love this time of the year. It got me thinking, why it it that so many people love Fall?

 In a season that everything in nature is dying, people are rejoicing and for me personally I couldn't feel more alive. Part of me believes because it subliminally emphasizes man's original purpose, to have dominion over the world. It makes us feel like we're greater than nature, that we're not as susceptible as it is. If that's true than I'm even more annoyed with Adam and Eve than I use to be. Why would anyone want to jeopardize this feeling of exuberance? Why would anyone think twice about giving this up? To walk with God and be filled with joy from nature, I wish I could've experienced what those selfish bastards had! Yes I just used the term bastard, it's true, they were born of God who wasn't married to himself; therefore, I'm appropriately using the term. However, since I don't want to harvest negative feelings nor do I want to be depressed during the other three seasons of the year I'm going to choose to believe the other part of me. We as humans desire change and after a long season of heat we're just excited about the change in the air.

On another happy note, I just bought a cardigan and scarf on sale from Urban Outfitters yesterday!

I Never Cease to Smile in the Presence of Godly Passion.

I love people with a heart and passion for others. Nehemiah 4:14 "Don't be afraid of the enemy! Remember the Lord, who is great and glorious, and fight for your friends, your families and your homes!" I realize the context that Nehemiah was speaking in is very different than the one I like to equate it to but follow me. An enemy is your opposition, we shouldn't cannot be afraid of our opposition, whether that be Satan, the world, or ourselves. We must remember the Lord who is great and glorious! It is in the sight of the Lord and through the embrace of His intimacy that we are stirred to fight for our friends, families, and homes.

This verse inspires me greatly! It literally makes me smile. It gives me hope for humanity. It's not the words though that make me tingle inside, it's you. All of you who are chasing the Lord and remembering Him in every aspect of life. All of you who are fighting for those you love, whether you know those people or not. As the body of Christ we have the ability to intercede. Through prayer we can call out to God in a fighting cry for others. Through action we can personally and physically intervene in the lives of others. I'm encouraged by those of you who have a passion for others, you are the hope of this world. I originally wanted to start a blog called "Death Cause" which would be a blog that spotlighted people who are wildly passionate about great causes in life and willing to die for those causes but then I realized the average passionate person isn't out doing things that are flashy and "noteworthy" they are just living their life loving people. There are some amazing organizations out there that I personally need to look more into and endorse but behind them all are amazing people that I need to support through prayer.

I LOVE PEOPLE! Plain and simple. I wish we could all do as my good friend Aimee says and, "love others professionally," how sweet would that be?

Raw From the Mind.

Here's what's on my mind, in the raw:

• Hold Us Together- mainly because its playing on my itunes right now but I love this song. In this present moment I feel like things are unraveling, I'm tired, and there not much I want to deal with but this song sums up the way I feel right now. Like God is holding me together.
• Friends. I've got them. Good one and average ones. Ones I see daily, rarely and almost never. Ones I talk to often and others sporadically. I think its the ones that live far away are the ones that I treasure the most. There's people I miss but don't think I'd take the chance if given the opportunity live near them... Well maybe not. If I knew be close in proximity wouldn't change the depth of our friendship than I'd want them near. I think being close physically can ware out a friendship at least that's what tends to be the case for me. I tend to say, "ya, if were friends then" and the other person gets offended by the thought of us not being friends. This happened twice last year, I'm not nearly as close of friends with either of them as I use to be. Friends come and go but ones that are far away and begin that way are never affected by your daily life or location, they stay constant. Sometimes I wish I didn't care as much about people as I do. Sometimes I wish I cared more. I wish I could really impact someone's life. I'm present in many people's life but I don't impact other the way they impact and inspire me. I desire to be .010% of what Jesus was to the people he was around and not even in a religious way.
• I'm tired but need to shower. I'm tired but need to pray. I'm tired but need to answer this text message that I can't find words for. I'm tired but I need to do better. I'm tired.
• I'm getting sick, physically and emotionally. I'm weak and vulnerable, to disease and sin. I might come down with an illness but God will fill me with the Spirit because he is good (yes, those are references to two past posts). 
• I want to punch someone square in the face. That's real, a very real desire right now. Mainly because there's so much intangible crap going on right now that punching someone in the face is seems like a good tangible act to putting it all to rest. 
• My schedule scares me because there's so much on it. It's all work things but I don't like having a filled schedule.
• It's almost midterm time! That means I'm half way to finishing my classes and getting bad grades in some of them. I can't wait! It also means that I'm closer to flying away. I love to fly, there's too much to talk about as to why for this post but maybe another. 
• I start my beans and rice fast on Thursday (tomorrow). Fasting always makes me nervous because I don't want to become obsessed with weight lost. If you know me really well then you know my weight is something I fret about for like 15% of each day. I always want to be skinnier. I'm fearful when fasting that I'll loose sight of why I'm fast and focus on the weight but over these next two months I'm gonna give it my all to stay focused in the glorifying factor of fasting. 

There's a lot on my mind and I'm not going to reread this or check it so if there's any mistakes that's alright with me. Embrace the imperfections.

The Greatest Kombucha

Seek God. Who is God though? God is the Trinity- the father, son, and holy spirit. It's become quite clear to me that although I say I seek God I've been ignorantly mistaken. I seek the father and son but tend to forget the importance of seeking the Holy Spirit and thus do not seek God in his entirety. The Spirit is often referred to as the sustainer or life-giver, how reckless it is of me neglect such an integral part of who God is. 

In moments when I am worshiping and seeking the face of God, I forget the individual parts and praise them as an entity. Other times though, often in prayer, I reach out to Jesus or the Father for help or to give thanks. Without the Spirit we lose the benefits of the father through Jesus' life and death upon the cross. In a strange way the concept of the Spirit reminds me of my Kombucha. Kombucha is a bacteria-yeast tea that originated in Russia in the 1800s. The way it works is that you brew green and flavored tea, take the bacteria-yeast patty and lay it out flat in the tea, and then place the jar in a dark place for eight days. In this time the bacteria-yeast patty asexually reproduces another patty on top of it and releases probiotics into the tea that help with your immune system, hair & nail growth/health, and gives you energy; i.e. it sustains you. However, if I take just the Kombucha baby (what they call the bacteria-yeast patty) and flaunt it around talking about the benefits but never fill my body with the tea I gain nothing. I'd have all the tools but would not be utilizing them (which is what I've been doing with my Kombucha baby until I  received the rest of the equipment to cultivate it in tonight). In the same manner if I'm not constantly seeking to drink from the Spirit I fail to utilize God as a whole, I only have the parts that produced the sustainer. 

So Good.

God is good. There's something about hearing a man who lost his five year old daughter saying such an essential truth only two days after her passing. It's a simple truth that I tend to overlook because I focus on the other characteristics of God. My favorite characteristic of God is that he's long-suffering, it's the one I choose to default to because it reminds me that He is loving and gracious and merciful and protective and kind but there is an extent to which he will take it. Long-suffering reminds me never to push my luck with God. It also in a way makes him more real, it's such a humanly characteristic, more so than the rest of them in my opinion. However, none of this is true unless God is above all things GOOD. God offers us grace and mercy and security and second and third and forth offenses because He is Good. And that, that is a good thing. I'm thankful that I've been reminded of such a vital truth. I'm thankful that God chooses to be good. I'm thankful that there are people with such strong faith, that even in the midst of their suffering they keep the ultimate truth in sight. I'm excited to mediate on such a glorious truth from now on. Yes, God is good.

My thoughts on being called a hipster...

It's strangely not uncommon for people to call me a hipster, which in my opinion is odd. Hipsters are hip. I don't think of myself as being cool enough to be hip. I don't know much about music and certainly nothing about under ground bands. I don't practice photography nor keep up on indie films. I don't get wasted on PBR and am certainly not addicted to nicotine. So maybe I grow some wicked facial hair and wear black wayfarer glasses. Maybe I rock TOMS and don't wash my hair but every four days. Maybe have a kombucha and do watch indie films. But still, I'm not hip to the standards of a hipster. However, I will accept being called a hipster because although I'm not part of the hipster counter culture I am part of the counter culture for Christ and in my opinion that's as hip as you can get. I appreciate people thinking I'm cool enough to be called a hipster (yes, I know most people don't really think hipsters are cool but to me there is an allure to their relaxed grungy waste of life attitude- I think it's because they're able to not care about anything so easily) but I hope that one day the world will think I'm cool because of who I choose to follow.

Peace&Jesus to all the greasy haired, inked up, plastic framed glasses wearing, indie rock listening counter culture hipsters. may your version of the hipster and mine one day coincide.

Baguettes & Eternity

It is past two a.m. and I'm gnawing chunks off a french baguette that I bought earlier from Panera Bread. The only thing crossing my mind in the midst of chewing is how did I get here? Where did the last nineteen years of my life go that I'm now sitting around my dorm apartment in college? It boggles me every time I think about how fast a lifetime must pass you by, in the same token though, it excites me even more. There's something about comparing eighty years to eternity that makes me smile. I enjoy realizing that I will have nothing but time to spend in heaven once I get there.
My favorite verse in the Bible is Psalm 22:26 where it reads All who seek the Lord will praise him. Their hearts will rejoice in everlasting joy. I don't know of any words that ring so true to me all of the time. During moments of praise my heart is at its fullest in joy. This is a wonderful thing, this is the picture I have of heaven. I want nothing more but to sit around and praise the Lord for all of eternity. As it stands now, in my earthly body, I tend to have a difficult time staying in constant praise. Even when I'm at church or nights of worship controlling my mind is something I've never been able to do. It wanders and bounces from one things to the next, I reign it in and concentrate on something and then one word sparks a continuous tangent all over again. No matter how much I desire to devote an entire night to praising the worthiest of all kings I seem to always take a mental break every hour or so. In heaven that won't be so. Down on my knees I will finally get to praise with no taunting of my consciousness. This is the heaven I hope for, not one of people playing cards and high fiving. Yes, I feel the same way, high fiving sounds like a weird thing to be doing in heaven but seems completely appropriate. I can't wait, nor can I truly express in words how excited the thought of eternal praise makes me but I can say it's a grand and beautiful anticipation!