Conformity

Yesterday in a Christmas skit thing at church one of the dancer’s shirt said conformity. I don’t really know what the dance was about, something to do with the world in our lives keeping God’s light within us from shining;  I think.... Anyways, I saw the word conformity and it had me thinking: why is there no warning about conforming to the church? There’s always someone within the church that will advise you against conforming to the world and the dangers that brings, but who is warning Christians about conforming to “Christianity.”

I’m sure many people could dispute what I’m about to say and make tons of valid points because what I’m going to say isn’t anything new but this is my blog, Mercedes said she wants me to write something for her to read, and I’m going to talk about what’s on my mind so that’s that and here I go. I think the church has a big problem with people conforming to it and to be honest, I think it messes a lot of people up. I’ve only been following Christ for two and a half years and can see how conformity to the church has taken a toll on me; my heart aches, like literally aches, and my stomach turns when I think about those who have been subject to Christian conformity their whole lives. There’s a lot danger in conforming to the church but to me, the greatest dangers is that you lose yourself. I’m not talking about losing yourself for the sake of Christ but losing yourself for the sake of being a new person. Somehow being made into a new person has translated into being like everyone else; like when God makes you new He uses the same designs He uses for everyone else. Somehow everyone is now to be offended by this and passionate about that and their lives should follow these steps and by the time Christ returns we will all be new and the same and He will be able to pick us out of the world with no confusion. And the problem with this, the real problem beyond conformity is that in doing so we lose honesty. We lose the ability to doubt and question and to resist because if you want to be a Christian than you’ve got to be bold and confident and defend. We convince ourselves of an image of an ideal Christian and then start to see ourselves as great religious figures when we read the bible rather than like Judas and the Hebrews in the desert and the Samaritan woman at the well. We lose ourselves and begin to perceive a false reality. Then we start to walk in that reality and start to believe that if we’re not this then we’re what we use to be and if we’re what we use to be then something is seriously wrong because that’s not what being a Christian is. We begin to fear the world and conform even more to the church burying deeper our honesty until we fit the new creation.

And this is sad. It’s sad because it’s not what you were created to be. You were not created to have a life that looks like every other Christian’s life. You were not created to act the same way and to think the same things. All of those great biblical figures we start to identify with were radical people that lived completely different from everyone else. They were people who acted, talked, and thought differently. I don’t want to be consumed by conformity because I don’t want to cover my honesty. I’m at a place where I’m slowly undigging the honesty and self that I began to burry two and a half years ago. The thought of conformity to the church scares me, but I’m trying to balance my fears of having a life that looks like almost every other Christian’s I know with my nature of running away. I’m trying to submit my frustrations to grace and not stand so much against conformity that I turn into a hypocrite preaching conformity into an anti-conformist. I’m trying real hard to find out who God truly has called me to be and to be that man and only that man. I sure am trying and although it is exhausting and at times I feel like I’m doing it wrong I know God has been blessing me in it and I can say that I’ve never seen Him work in the quiet like I have this last month. 

Two Birds One Stone

Life is something amazing. It's hectic, draining, refreshing, and every other set of contradictory adjectives you could think of. My two weeks of RA training that we do every semester are over and today started the first day of Fall 2011 classes. I can tell this semester is going to be a doozie with a work load equivalent to 22 hours; however, I am completely at ease with that.

Slowly these last three weeks I have been finding myself becoming more and more distant from the Lord as I became more and more busy with the world. I found myself bitter, judgemental, frustrated, and extremely inadequate. This morning though, I woke up early and spent about forty-five minutes in prayer trying to find my way back into His arms. I think I learned more about who I am vs who I perceive myself to be in the past fours days than I have in the last two years. I have been so far from the image of Christ, yet believed myself to be so close. Well, in all honesty, I have been conducting myself as if I was so close but knew I was not who I portrayed myself as.

As I dig deeper into that notion I realize that much of my life is a struggle between who I portray myself to be, who I am, and who I want to be. In the end these charades just end with me feeling completely inadequate. However, when I'm home in Orlando around my good friends and amazing coworkers (or as I call them, boozies&family) I feel free but when I'm intimate with the Lord I feel adequate.

My new boss has a tendency to say, "two birds one stone" and I think there's something very legitimate about that. When I walk in my identity in Christ I feel adaquate. I feel worthy and untouchable. It's who I am and in that I can walk in the person I want to be, because all else matters none. I realize that it doesn't matter who I am worldly when I exist from the heavenly, which allows me to be whoever I please in the earthly. Walking in my identity in Christ allows me to be the person I am with my boozies and the man I am with the Lord both at the same time. It truly is,

"two birds, one stone."

"because is not an answer"

I heard someone say, "that's not a word" the other day.

Well, if you understood the meaning then yes, in fact, it is a word. We too often play by the rules just because they are the rules. If in an english sentence I said "ra-jil" to someone and that person didn't know Arabic then they would have no clue that I had just said "man." The fact that they didn't understand what I said does not change the fact that رجل (ra-jil) is a word, but when someone says something like "funnest" there are people who protest with, "that's not a word." Words are nothing more than a combination of sounds that allow us to understand life, each other, and the world around us and then to communicate those understandings. Just because others say something is not a word does not mean it's not, especially when your not-a-word is able to communicate your meaning. Sidenote: my older adult coworker just said "okay, cool beans" on the phone in a professional conversation. My first thought was, "cool beans? what are you, Lizzie Mcguire?" but then I realized how that phrase, "cool beans" perfectly supports my point that words are not words because they are words but because they relay a meaning.

Back to what I was originally saying though, too often we play by the rules. But not just the rules, other people's rules. Monday night Stephen and I were hanging out talking once again and we were talking at one point about not doing something because someone else doesn't want you to. He's a very considerate, selfless, you-first kind of guy. I'm not that way. Well, not in the way he is. I'll give you all I have and all I can except when it comes to me and my life. My parents have always been very supportive of me not doing what they want me to. They'll advise me, tell me what they do and do not approve of, and then almost in a way expect me not to listen. The only thing that has ever offended my parents, my father, was my tattoo, because he outright told me that he would take it as a sign of disrespect.

People often don't do what they want because others want to tell them how they should live and what they should do. I understand respect but respect does not mean I have to live my life according to the way you want me to live it. If my decisions about what to do with my life will hurt you then you've invested and projected way too much of yourself onto me. Instead of being people who care because we know the other person well and know that there is potential for them to hurt if things don't go as planned, we are people who want to be offended and feel attacked when someone we care about doesn't act according to our desires. My parents caution me because they put my physical well being and my child-like romantic idealistic attitude towards life above everything else. They would do anything to protect both of those things and for that I am grateful beyond words.

It's also because of my parents that I've never lost my childhood response of "because is not an answer." Because is not an answer and rules that are based on others' say-so is not a rule in my book. John Stuart Mill wrote the book On Liberty, which is a detailed reasoning for freedom of speech (and action) so long that others are not physically harmed, despite whether or not their "sympathies" are hurt. I'm not saying that we shouldn't take into account the sympathies of others but we should not impose our sympathies/rules/desires/beliefs on others and then take offense when others reject them; nor should we allow the sympathies of others to silence our personal sovereignty. Silence, above all else, silences progression. At one time the languages and words and grammar used today didn't exist but we use and accept them as if they are concrete and God-given. As Mill points out in his book, much of what once was accepted in history no longer is because someone spoke. Just because we accept something does not mean it's right and just because we don't accept it does not mean it's wrong. It means we've made a choice. I choose to make my choices for me when my choices directly involve me. It pains me to see others not do that. The possibilities of the future are endless if we accept to accept our own acceptances. It is your freedom not to though and that, I accept.

Belief

Last night Stephen came over for dinner and as we sat on the back porch talking we hit a part in our conversation where we discussed belief. The word continues to strike me as I think about the conversation. I mentioned to him last night that belief is one of those ambiguous words that are hard to define. I keep trying but to no avail. Often times I’ve heard faith defined as believing without seeing, which just complicates the idea of belief even further for me. I know I believe in many things. I believe that humanity is good. I believe we are good because we are created in the image of God and God is good. I believe that I can depend on people. I believe there is more to life than this. I believe in many things.

When I think about my belief in people though is when I start to see clarity in the word belief.  You see, there are few people in this world that I believe would put my interests before theirs if I needed them to; however, those few people that I believe would are the ones I’ve never needed to. Which is why, in reality, I don’t trust that they will. I’ve always struggled with trusting people. As a child I believed in people but time and time again I had that belief disproven.  As a teenager I began to limit my belief into just a select group of people and again I was proven wrong. Now at twenty years old I believe in four people outside of my family and I consciously try not to give them the opportunity to prove me wrong. This struggle with trust has plagued my belief in God. As I mentioned in my previous post, “Faith in Question,” no matter how much I question the realness of God I always believe in who God is. I believe in God’s promises. I believe that he provides. I believe that he heals, speaks, and comforts. I believe there is no greater joy or love than the one that comes from the Trinity. I believe these things because they are continuously proven to me. These are things I have, do, and can trust in. Proving that there is a God though is a difficult task. It goes against all reason and logic to believe in such a thing. But why do we believe in reason and logic in the first place? That’s a whole other discussion though. The point in this is that I think part of why I struggle with belief, especially belief in God, is because belief requires trust. I don’t want to come to terms with trusting that God exists because my past has taught me that when you trust in someone or something you will be proven wrong. I often say that art is not a product but a process, in the same way I can apply that to all aspects of life; as well as life in general. Belief is not a product: it is a process. It is the process of believing.

So when I say that I believe in God it does not mean that I do not question Him. It does not mean that I do not wonder if He is there. It doesn’t even mean that sometimes I wish He wasn’t real. It means that I have seen Him work in my life and the lives of many others. I have heard from Him. I have lived intimately with Him. It means that until HE proves me wrong, I have a belief in Him. 

Running

I haven't sat to meander through my thoughts in a while. To write them down and have them stare back at me. To confront them in their tangible form. Now though is as good as any other time I suppose.

life is short. Yes, I'm aware that that's a cliche and that my Faith in Christ tells me life is long, it spans eternity and one day I will have the best of it. I currently don't live on that side of death though. I live on this one and recently I couldn't be more aware of that fact. The last two nights were filled with conversations about life. That mixed with the recent passing of a friend has made the shortness of life a very present thought in my mind. What I've come to terms with is that I have one of those personalities that likes to run. When it comes to "fight or flight" I'm definitely the flight. I know that's why I spent six years trying to escape the reality I was living in. I know that's why my mind is constantly on the run; in flight to somewhere else. This is why the thought of life being short scares me. I don't want to be doing this. I don't want to be sitting at a desk unstapeling and scanning papers. Even more so, I don't want to be running. I hate running. Physically and mentally I despise it. Life is short and I don't want to spend mine running from it. When I think of people I know who are interning with awesome organizations, working with disabled children in Africa, or doing work in Thailand I notice a big difference between them and me. They're fighting towards something. They're fighting to make the most of this side of death. When they're not off somewhere doing amazing things they're fighting the same fight the best they can with all they have from their homes, in their own communities. Me on the other hand? I constantly find myself running.

Where normally the thought of life would cause me to start running I realize I need to stop myself and ask, "Do I want to live in another place because there's something there for me or do I just want to run away from here? Do I entertain the idea of law school because I believe that is my purpose or because I want to run away from the possibility of not amounting to something?" It's time I refuse to fly. It's time I choose to fight. It's time I live life on this side of death. I don't anticipate that it will be easy and I don't except to see drastic changes over night. I am confident though that eventually when I stop to look around, I will see the difference in who I am.