Running

I haven't sat to meander through my thoughts in a while. To write them down and have them stare back at me. To confront them in their tangible form. Now though is as good as any other time I suppose.

life is short. Yes, I'm aware that that's a cliche and that my Faith in Christ tells me life is long, it spans eternity and one day I will have the best of it. I currently don't live on that side of death though. I live on this one and recently I couldn't be more aware of that fact. The last two nights were filled with conversations about life. That mixed with the recent passing of a friend has made the shortness of life a very present thought in my mind. What I've come to terms with is that I have one of those personalities that likes to run. When it comes to "fight or flight" I'm definitely the flight. I know that's why I spent six years trying to escape the reality I was living in. I know that's why my mind is constantly on the run; in flight to somewhere else. This is why the thought of life being short scares me. I don't want to be doing this. I don't want to be sitting at a desk unstapeling and scanning papers. Even more so, I don't want to be running. I hate running. Physically and mentally I despise it. Life is short and I don't want to spend mine running from it. When I think of people I know who are interning with awesome organizations, working with disabled children in Africa, or doing work in Thailand I notice a big difference between them and me. They're fighting towards something. They're fighting to make the most of this side of death. When they're not off somewhere doing amazing things they're fighting the same fight the best they can with all they have from their homes, in their own communities. Me on the other hand? I constantly find myself running.

Where normally the thought of life would cause me to start running I realize I need to stop myself and ask, "Do I want to live in another place because there's something there for me or do I just want to run away from here? Do I entertain the idea of law school because I believe that is my purpose or because I want to run away from the possibility of not amounting to something?" It's time I refuse to fly. It's time I choose to fight. It's time I live life on this side of death. I don't anticipate that it will be easy and I don't except to see drastic changes over night. I am confident though that eventually when I stop to look around, I will see the difference in who I am.