Belief

Last night Stephen came over for dinner and as we sat on the back porch talking we hit a part in our conversation where we discussed belief. The word continues to strike me as I think about the conversation. I mentioned to him last night that belief is one of those ambiguous words that are hard to define. I keep trying but to no avail. Often times I’ve heard faith defined as believing without seeing, which just complicates the idea of belief even further for me. I know I believe in many things. I believe that humanity is good. I believe we are good because we are created in the image of God and God is good. I believe that I can depend on people. I believe there is more to life than this. I believe in many things.

When I think about my belief in people though is when I start to see clarity in the word belief.  You see, there are few people in this world that I believe would put my interests before theirs if I needed them to; however, those few people that I believe would are the ones I’ve never needed to. Which is why, in reality, I don’t trust that they will. I’ve always struggled with trusting people. As a child I believed in people but time and time again I had that belief disproven.  As a teenager I began to limit my belief into just a select group of people and again I was proven wrong. Now at twenty years old I believe in four people outside of my family and I consciously try not to give them the opportunity to prove me wrong. This struggle with trust has plagued my belief in God. As I mentioned in my previous post, “Faith in Question,” no matter how much I question the realness of God I always believe in who God is. I believe in God’s promises. I believe that he provides. I believe that he heals, speaks, and comforts. I believe there is no greater joy or love than the one that comes from the Trinity. I believe these things because they are continuously proven to me. These are things I have, do, and can trust in. Proving that there is a God though is a difficult task. It goes against all reason and logic to believe in such a thing. But why do we believe in reason and logic in the first place? That’s a whole other discussion though. The point in this is that I think part of why I struggle with belief, especially belief in God, is because belief requires trust. I don’t want to come to terms with trusting that God exists because my past has taught me that when you trust in someone or something you will be proven wrong. I often say that art is not a product but a process, in the same way I can apply that to all aspects of life; as well as life in general. Belief is not a product: it is a process. It is the process of believing.

So when I say that I believe in God it does not mean that I do not question Him. It does not mean that I do not wonder if He is there. It doesn’t even mean that sometimes I wish He wasn’t real. It means that I have seen Him work in my life and the lives of many others. I have heard from Him. I have lived intimately with Him. It means that until HE proves me wrong, I have a belief in Him. 

Running

I haven't sat to meander through my thoughts in a while. To write them down and have them stare back at me. To confront them in their tangible form. Now though is as good as any other time I suppose.

life is short. Yes, I'm aware that that's a cliche and that my Faith in Christ tells me life is long, it spans eternity and one day I will have the best of it. I currently don't live on that side of death though. I live on this one and recently I couldn't be more aware of that fact. The last two nights were filled with conversations about life. That mixed with the recent passing of a friend has made the shortness of life a very present thought in my mind. What I've come to terms with is that I have one of those personalities that likes to run. When it comes to "fight or flight" I'm definitely the flight. I know that's why I spent six years trying to escape the reality I was living in. I know that's why my mind is constantly on the run; in flight to somewhere else. This is why the thought of life being short scares me. I don't want to be doing this. I don't want to be sitting at a desk unstapeling and scanning papers. Even more so, I don't want to be running. I hate running. Physically and mentally I despise it. Life is short and I don't want to spend mine running from it. When I think of people I know who are interning with awesome organizations, working with disabled children in Africa, or doing work in Thailand I notice a big difference between them and me. They're fighting towards something. They're fighting to make the most of this side of death. When they're not off somewhere doing amazing things they're fighting the same fight the best they can with all they have from their homes, in their own communities. Me on the other hand? I constantly find myself running.

Where normally the thought of life would cause me to start running I realize I need to stop myself and ask, "Do I want to live in another place because there's something there for me or do I just want to run away from here? Do I entertain the idea of law school because I believe that is my purpose or because I want to run away from the possibility of not amounting to something?" It's time I refuse to fly. It's time I choose to fight. It's time I live life on this side of death. I don't anticipate that it will be easy and I don't except to see drastic changes over night. I am confident though that eventually when I stop to look around, I will see the difference in who I am.

ridiculous.

I want to live a life that makes people say ridiculous. I want to be old and in love with the wind. I want to be passionate, appreciative, and in love. I hope to always amuse myself, to find fancy in the things I do. I never want my mind to wander faster then my feet can move. I want to take advantage of every whimsical idea I have. To intern, travel, work, and grow. To read lots of books. To pen my thoughts. I want my life to be founded in serenity and built on commotion. I want to observe more, paint more, converse more. I want to photograph at least one thing that makes me smile each day. I want to be on the go: going forward, never back. Going towards fulfillment. I want a life that inspires me. I want to look at myself in the mirror and say "ridiculous."


p.s. I added two more things to my list of stuff to do before I'm too old:

1. go to the Blue Lagoon in Reykjavik, Iceland
2. learn how to crochet

a bible to call our own.

For my high school graduation I asked for a bible, which means I went to the Christian store in town with Josh and picked out a bible for my parents to give me. The bible I chose was Every Man's Bible. I went with this one because the study portions of it and the extras seemed fitting for me at the time. Then I had an ESV but I lost that in Africa. My desire is to find a good bible at a used book store. I don't know what people do with their old bibles but I feel like giving a decent conditioned bible to the used book store seems practical. I want a used one because there's something intriguing to me about having a bible that once served some else in their relationship with Christ. To grow intimate with Lord through the same bible that He used to grow intimate with another brother or sister, that to me illustrates the essence of the Body. I like the idea of faith continued and passed along. I'm hoping this weekend I can find a used bible.Who knows maybe God will speak to someone and they'll just give me their bible?

Wonderful New Life

Dear Aimee,

Sorry for taking so long to write to you tonight, I was working duty and got preoccupied doing nothing. Here is the big news though:
 On Sunday night I got baptized!!!! AAAAAHHHHHH!! It still excites me when I think about it!! It was wonderful and everything I could have hoped for. The baptism was a small intimate group of only four close friends and took place in my best friend's pool. Three of the people present have played major roles in both my spiritual and personal life and have been/are the people that I am able to talk about anything with and always trust what they have to say is coming from a Christ-centered place. I was so happy to have them there. It was all so surreal as it was going on and didn't feel like my baptism, I couldn't really make sense of any of it in my mind until I got home. Stephen baptized me, everyone was happy, and I was just speechless. I didn't know what to make of it all. Before the baptism they all prayed for me; it was so strange, I didn't feel like I was physically present for any of it. Like my mind was there but I couldn't personalize the experience at all. When I got home it really hit me. I was super excited and couldn't stop smiling. That's when I text everyone to tell them. That's when the word became real. Prior to the baptism I was talking to Stephen at Starbucks about how Romans 6 had really convicted me when it says that through baptism we are buried with Christ, but after the baptism the second part that says we take part in Christ's resurrection through baptism is what became the important part of that message. I felt and still feel  more alive then I ever have. I feel the realness of Christ's resurrection and the realness of new life. What an honor it is to be chosen by the God of the Universe to join in his life, his victory, his glory. I wish someone would have told me about this feeling earlier but I am very happy that I waited the year and eight months to get baptized. My baptism  was as 1 Peter 3:21 says, a response (or pledge) of a clear conscious towards God. The almost two years I took before my baptism allowed me to consciously be aware of the pledge I was making towards God. I was in full understanding of my response. I have always had a problem with commitment but this was the first time I haven't second guessed or worried about a commitment I have made. Life is all the more beautiful and God is all the more closer, not because he has decided to draw closer but become I have finally responded back to his pull. I am baptized and couldn't be happier.

Romans 6:4 We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order, that just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.


Peace&love my friend. Peace&love.

Dear Aimee Miller,

Have you spent time with the Lord today? I believe He desires to direct you and show you the woman of Christ he is calling you to be. I encourage you my dear friend to draw near to Him and become intimate, to allow God to spur your wants. Always praying for you.

Peace&love

Things to be thankful for... one day.

Dear Aimee,

Happy Belated Thanksgiving! I hope your day was filled with Turkey and joy. Mine was good for the most part. Family tension is inevitable but thankfully my brother and I were on good terms today; probably because I only saw him for an hour spread throughout the whole day. I had food poisoning this week so I wasn’t able to eat much today but portion control is always a good thing J… I figured I could write about why I’m thankful but instead I’m going to write a list of things I want to do before I get too old. In no particular order, here it is:

·      Take a year to live in France and write my days away like the Lost Generation
·      Spend several years doing mission work
·      Go cliff jumping in every continent (except maybe Antarctica because that water is COLD!)
·      Sleep on the beach
·      Visit New Orleans
·      Road trip America
·      Ride a camel wearing a tunic and turban in the Middle East
·      Make friends with an old man that will give me wise advice
·      Take a homeless person to dinner
·      Go skiing in the mountains and get snow in my hair
·      Figure out a place to serve within the church
·      Get married
·      Have a wife that wants to embrace change
·      Have children with awesome names
·      Become part of an activist group
·      Intern for a rad organization
·      Picture document my life
·      Learn four foreign languages
·      Own a cool shop, like a used book store or something of that sort
·      Graduate from college (but if I can do the rest of this list without this one then I won’t complain)
·      Do a backflip
·      Learn to play an instrument
·      Read an entire book in one day
·      See The Machinist
·      Make friends around the world
·      Live in an Earthship House

I think that’s good for now, I’m sure there’s more, I’ll keep you updated.

Peace&love