oh, that chocolate mountain air

We left El Tunco today and headed north to Santa Ana to spend the night before heading to Guatemala in the morning. As I lay in this hostel, soaking in the heat of the midday sun as it shines through our stained glass windows and listen to the clattering of the street and the chirping of birds, all I can think of is the sweet smell that wafted through the bus earlier today.

Central America is an overload of senses, making it hard to fully absorb all that I'm experiencing. The new sounds of an unfamiliar language, the salty ocean breeze juxtaposed with the dry city air, the smells of fresh street food quickly snuffed out by the smell of burning garbage, the blossoming colors of the sun as it finds it's way under the horizon. The sensory experiences are endless, but today, as we rode through the mountains I was captured by an aroma that I can only describe as melting chocolate. It lasted but a few seconds and as I looked out the window I failed to notice any entity that might be responsible for this little gift. It came and went, leaving nothing but a mystery and a fond memory.

Now, hours later as I reflect on this aroma I'm captured by a verse of scripture that my brother sent me the day before I left for this trip: Therefore, be imitators of God as dear children, and walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma. The aroma of melting chocolate has become a reminder to me today of God's sacrifice and promises. That what he has done, he has done for all and what he has spoken he has not spoken in vain. His words spoken over us may seem like a fleeting mystery at times but they are captivating in the midst of chaos and are a memory that is capable of sustaining us. But just as Christ is a sweet aroma so shall we be; if we do this life right, we will be just as the chocolate mountain air was to me, a pleasing gift of joy that leaves others deeper in the presence of God.

Here's to being melting chocolate.

Peace&Jesus

Que Dios Te Bendiga

I spent the last five days ministering to one of the most authentic, welcoming, and loving church communities I have ever met. It is a spanish church in Ft. Lauderdale about 80 people large, but it feels like a small and tightly knit family. I was there with my two great friends Jared and Joey and we had the privilege of loving this community and encouraging them in the truth that they are holy and righteous people reconciled to the heart of the Father through the life, death, and resurrection of the Son. Seeing the presence of God overcome person after person was an amazing experience but one of the most impacting moments was right before I headed home. 

Yesterday as Joey and I were packing to leave Ft. Lauderdale and saying bye to Jared who was staying until Wednesday, Gonzalo, the father of the house we stayed at, came into the bedroom and handed me an envelope. He said that he spoke with Oscar, his brother and the pastor of the church, and they wanted to give us a little something to help with gas. He then said that he had been waiting for a moment when it was just himself with Jared, Joey, and I because he had something to tell us. 

Gonzalo began to tell us about a dream that he had only shared with his wife. Three weeks ago, before Joey and I had any plans of going to Ft. Lauderdale, Gonzalo dreamed that he was hosting Jared and two other men at his house. The two other men he said resembled Joey and I, one with blonde hair and the other with dark hair. The three men spent the weekend ministering to the church and at the end of the weekend the blonde haired man and the dark haired man were getting ready to leave before the third man. Before the two men left he said they looked at each other and one said, "should we tell him now?" 

To which the other replied, "Do you think it's time?"

Gonzalo said the two men then began to shine brightly and revealed to him that they were angels and then left. He said that in his dream he began to rejoice saying, " I did the right thing! I opened my house to angels!" 

Two weeks after his dream, Oscar told Gonzalo that Jared and two of his friends were coming for the weekend. Oscar said that they could split us up and put us in different houses but Gonzalo told him no, that he wanted all three of to stay with him. 

As he finished his story Jared, Joey, and myself were blown away. Speechless, none of us could express how amazed and blessed we were by what he shared. Gonzalo expressed his appreciation for us coming this weekend and told us how much of a blessing we were. 

What I could never fully express though is how much I was blessed and honored by Gonzalo and his family through the love the showed to us this weekend. Forever I will be impacted by the Frias family, because if anyone shines like angels, it is them.

Wisdom of the Jaded Father

My biggest hope is that you never grow up to learn the truth in life. That you never learn that nothing in this life is real. That nothing in this life is trustworthy. That nothing is forever and nothing will ever truly care. They say ignorance is bliss and son, that's the best way to live. Don't search too hard because one day you might find it. Don't waste your time looking. The disappointment of never knowing is truly far less than the disappointment of knowing. 

If only I could turn back time and live that moment once more, that moment right before I learned. Oh how I would savor it like the last drop of honey tea on a cool November evening. It would be like the fresh breeze coming off a field of overgrown daisies; sweet, refreshing and fleeting. That moment is precious I tell you. More valuable than you could know. It is the instant that life goes from all things good to pain and discontent. Those last few seconds before you learn are the freest you'll ever be again. It'll be the last time you'll ever smile of genuine happiness rather than happiness in-spite of. The last moments before you begin a life of buts, ands, ors, what-abouts, how's bouts, and then agains. It is the last moment of your youth. 

I hope, truly hope you never grow up to learn the truth. 

By Chance

Plots are for stories, accidents for life. Chance seemed more significant than choice.

-John Dufresne, Johnny Too Bad

            It is by chance that I read these words in the last hour of my bus ride to Scranton just after Gail’s stop. It is by chance that I was even on that bus. By chance that I woke up this morning with the spontaneous idea to buy a ticket to LaGuardia to take a bus to the Port Authority in Manhattan to take the 11:00pm bus to Scranton, PA. It is by chance that I sat in the last empty row of four seats leading me to give up my seat so that a little girl and her father could sit next to each other and it is by that chance that I ended up sitting next to Gail.

            Gail is a middle-aged black woman who lives in Mount Pocono, a onetime Brooklynite from the Adirondacks. She is a gentle woman; she speaks softly but is assertive. She has just a dash of grey coming in around her temple and her voice is reminiscent of an old time Blues singer. She works for the police department in Brooklyn doing clerical work but desires so much more. A missionary at heart, Gail mobilizes people from her congregation and hits the streets to bring the love of Christ to those in her neighborhood. Wanting to serve and love better Gail recently received her certification as a Nursing Assistant so that she can offer more to her community. She wonders if it’s possible to go to another country to do missionary work.

            As I sat by myself in the very last row of the airplane headed to LaGuardia I hoped that I’d meet someone interesting on the bus and that we’d have great conversation. Gail is more than interesting she’s inspirational. We discussed daily life, aspirations, and religion. I taught her about the Chinese language and she taught me about the bus route. Mostly though, Gail taught me about myself. In the two hours I spent seated next to Gail I learned about who I am, how I relate to God, and why I love people the way I do.

            Gail got off the bus the stop before mine, leaving me with forty minutes to coast through the darkness of Pennsylvania in deep reflection. The last twelve hours have made me come alive inside. It was as if God was breathing air into my lungs for the first time. I was overwhelmed with joy and appreciation. It made me realize that in people I find God and in spontaneity I find his freedom. I’ve never been one to fly through the clouds or stand beside the mountains or look out on the ocean and be amazed by what God had created. To say to myself, “there is a God and this is his work.” But on that bus I looked around and said just that. Look at the people that God has created, he is real and they are his works.

            While Gail was getting ready to leave the bus she turned to me and said, I hope we meet again. I told her, we will one day. Until that time comes though I will think about Gail often. I will pray for her and relive that moment over and over again in my head. I will tell friends about her and work parts of that moment into future conversations. As my memory fogs I will remember the experience differently. Things about Gail will change and how I speak of them will too, but what she taught me will remain. What I take away from this trip will forever be valuable.

            I might have made the choice to go though with my idea, to change my flight ahead, or to switch seats with that little girl, but it was the chance in this trip, in that moment, in this life that is most significant. 

Fortunately, We're All Unfortunate

Today, as I skimmed through Facebook I noticed a comment on a photo that struck me. The person was commenting on the size of a guy’s nipples saying that they were the smallest nipples in the world. A strange comment in itself but it made me think of a comment my aunt made to me the other day. My aunt was commenting on the excessive amount of hair I had growing from my head and face.

She said, “unfortunately, people will judge you and you don’t want them to think badly or little of you before they get to know you.”

To which my mother said, “I understand what you’re saying but I don’t think his hair necessarily detracts from the kind of person he is.”

To which my aunt responded, “yes, but that is because we already know the true James.”

To which I said, “I don’t want to associate with people who don’t want to know me because of the way I look. The way someone looks would never stop me from getting to know them and I want to be friends with people who are like me.”

The conversation volleyed a few more remarks before fading away, but when I read the comment on Facebook I couldn’t help but be reminded of it. Nipples. One cannot even have tiny nipples without eliciting a remark from someone. My aunt was right, unfortunately people will judge me before ever knowing me; however, it’s unfortunate for reasons other then some people choosing to think I’m homeless or a terrorist or even worse, A HOMELESS TERRORIST! It’s unfortunate because there are people who hate themselves based on what others think of them. Right this moment there are people attempting to starve themselves into acceptance and when that doesn’t work they are heaving themselves over the toilet to empty as much stomach content as possible. It’s unfortunate because right this moment there are people undergoing surgery so that when others look at them they’ll be more widely accepted. It’s unfortunate because there are hundreds of millions of people around the world abusing drugs and alcohol in an attempt to forget how unfortunate they are.

What’s even more unfortunate though, is how easy it is for us to propagate the notion of visual acceptance. I say us because I am far from being free of this. I care way too much about the way others look at me, which I take in and then regurgitate into a shallow web of opinion and thought processes. I have become so numbed to the effects of visual judgment that I will without thought mention to someone how small their ears are, how orange their skin is, how outgrown their hair is, how chapped their lips are, how abnormally tall they are, etc which are sadly all real instances. This is the most unfortunate of it all. That I accept it, is shameful and disgusting.

Yet, there is beauty to this all. We’re all unfortunate. We’ll never appease others and will always struggle to satisfy our opinions. I’ll never meet the romantic vision of self and life that I have in my head. I’ll never look a way that everyone else approves of. I can though, be everything the Lord wants me to be. I can exist from a place of love. I can see past opinion. I can think beyond my typical thought process. I can notice a trait unique to someone else and use it to encourage that person. I can propagate differences. I can choose to see souls rather than bodies. I can know love, I can love, and I can be love; and in love I can choose an acceptance beyond visual acceptance.

Although I don’t struggle with befriending people because they look or are a certain way I don’t do anything to live in resistance to the acceptance of being unfortunate. I don’t use the radical grace of Jesus to stir me into a blind love. I don’t consciously choose to live beyond the chains of visual acceptance or to partner with the Lord in an attempt to remove them entirely. This is unfortunate but so are we all, which is why we are fortunate to have a God who contends for his people. Who provides acceptance and changes hearts. 

Conformity

Yesterday in a Christmas skit thing at church one of the dancer’s shirt said conformity. I don’t really know what the dance was about, something to do with the world in our lives keeping God’s light within us from shining;  I think.... Anyways, I saw the word conformity and it had me thinking: why is there no warning about conforming to the church? There’s always someone within the church that will advise you against conforming to the world and the dangers that brings, but who is warning Christians about conforming to “Christianity.”

I’m sure many people could dispute what I’m about to say and make tons of valid points because what I’m going to say isn’t anything new but this is my blog, Mercedes said she wants me to write something for her to read, and I’m going to talk about what’s on my mind so that’s that and here I go. I think the church has a big problem with people conforming to it and to be honest, I think it messes a lot of people up. I’ve only been following Christ for two and a half years and can see how conformity to the church has taken a toll on me; my heart aches, like literally aches, and my stomach turns when I think about those who have been subject to Christian conformity their whole lives. There’s a lot danger in conforming to the church but to me, the greatest dangers is that you lose yourself. I’m not talking about losing yourself for the sake of Christ but losing yourself for the sake of being a new person. Somehow being made into a new person has translated into being like everyone else; like when God makes you new He uses the same designs He uses for everyone else. Somehow everyone is now to be offended by this and passionate about that and their lives should follow these steps and by the time Christ returns we will all be new and the same and He will be able to pick us out of the world with no confusion. And the problem with this, the real problem beyond conformity is that in doing so we lose honesty. We lose the ability to doubt and question and to resist because if you want to be a Christian than you’ve got to be bold and confident and defend. We convince ourselves of an image of an ideal Christian and then start to see ourselves as great religious figures when we read the bible rather than like Judas and the Hebrews in the desert and the Samaritan woman at the well. We lose ourselves and begin to perceive a false reality. Then we start to walk in that reality and start to believe that if we’re not this then we’re what we use to be and if we’re what we use to be then something is seriously wrong because that’s not what being a Christian is. We begin to fear the world and conform even more to the church burying deeper our honesty until we fit the new creation.

And this is sad. It’s sad because it’s not what you were created to be. You were not created to have a life that looks like every other Christian’s life. You were not created to act the same way and to think the same things. All of those great biblical figures we start to identify with were radical people that lived completely different from everyone else. They were people who acted, talked, and thought differently. I don’t want to be consumed by conformity because I don’t want to cover my honesty. I’m at a place where I’m slowly undigging the honesty and self that I began to burry two and a half years ago. The thought of conformity to the church scares me, but I’m trying to balance my fears of having a life that looks like almost every other Christian’s I know with my nature of running away. I’m trying to submit my frustrations to grace and not stand so much against conformity that I turn into a hypocrite preaching conformity into an anti-conformist. I’m trying real hard to find out who God truly has called me to be and to be that man and only that man. I sure am trying and although it is exhausting and at times I feel like I’m doing it wrong I know God has been blessing me in it and I can say that I’ve never seen Him work in the quiet like I have this last month. 

Two Birds One Stone

Life is something amazing. It's hectic, draining, refreshing, and every other set of contradictory adjectives you could think of. My two weeks of RA training that we do every semester are over and today started the first day of Fall 2011 classes. I can tell this semester is going to be a doozie with a work load equivalent to 22 hours; however, I am completely at ease with that.

Slowly these last three weeks I have been finding myself becoming more and more distant from the Lord as I became more and more busy with the world. I found myself bitter, judgemental, frustrated, and extremely inadequate. This morning though, I woke up early and spent about forty-five minutes in prayer trying to find my way back into His arms. I think I learned more about who I am vs who I perceive myself to be in the past fours days than I have in the last two years. I have been so far from the image of Christ, yet believed myself to be so close. Well, in all honesty, I have been conducting myself as if I was so close but knew I was not who I portrayed myself as.

As I dig deeper into that notion I realize that much of my life is a struggle between who I portray myself to be, who I am, and who I want to be. In the end these charades just end with me feeling completely inadequate. However, when I'm home in Orlando around my good friends and amazing coworkers (or as I call them, boozies&family) I feel free but when I'm intimate with the Lord I feel adequate.

My new boss has a tendency to say, "two birds one stone" and I think there's something very legitimate about that. When I walk in my identity in Christ I feel adaquate. I feel worthy and untouchable. It's who I am and in that I can walk in the person I want to be, because all else matters none. I realize that it doesn't matter who I am worldly when I exist from the heavenly, which allows me to be whoever I please in the earthly. Walking in my identity in Christ allows me to be the person I am with my boozies and the man I am with the Lord both at the same time. It truly is,

"two birds, one stone."

"because is not an answer"

I heard someone say, "that's not a word" the other day.

Well, if you understood the meaning then yes, in fact, it is a word. We too often play by the rules just because they are the rules. If in an english sentence I said "ra-jil" to someone and that person didn't know Arabic then they would have no clue that I had just said "man." The fact that they didn't understand what I said does not change the fact that رجل (ra-jil) is a word, but when someone says something like "funnest" there are people who protest with, "that's not a word." Words are nothing more than a combination of sounds that allow us to understand life, each other, and the world around us and then to communicate those understandings. Just because others say something is not a word does not mean it's not, especially when your not-a-word is able to communicate your meaning. Sidenote: my older adult coworker just said "okay, cool beans" on the phone in a professional conversation. My first thought was, "cool beans? what are you, Lizzie Mcguire?" but then I realized how that phrase, "cool beans" perfectly supports my point that words are not words because they are words but because they relay a meaning.

Back to what I was originally saying though, too often we play by the rules. But not just the rules, other people's rules. Monday night Stephen and I were hanging out talking once again and we were talking at one point about not doing something because someone else doesn't want you to. He's a very considerate, selfless, you-first kind of guy. I'm not that way. Well, not in the way he is. I'll give you all I have and all I can except when it comes to me and my life. My parents have always been very supportive of me not doing what they want me to. They'll advise me, tell me what they do and do not approve of, and then almost in a way expect me not to listen. The only thing that has ever offended my parents, my father, was my tattoo, because he outright told me that he would take it as a sign of disrespect.

People often don't do what they want because others want to tell them how they should live and what they should do. I understand respect but respect does not mean I have to live my life according to the way you want me to live it. If my decisions about what to do with my life will hurt you then you've invested and projected way too much of yourself onto me. Instead of being people who care because we know the other person well and know that there is potential for them to hurt if things don't go as planned, we are people who want to be offended and feel attacked when someone we care about doesn't act according to our desires. My parents caution me because they put my physical well being and my child-like romantic idealistic attitude towards life above everything else. They would do anything to protect both of those things and for that I am grateful beyond words.

It's also because of my parents that I've never lost my childhood response of "because is not an answer." Because is not an answer and rules that are based on others' say-so is not a rule in my book. John Stuart Mill wrote the book On Liberty, which is a detailed reasoning for freedom of speech (and action) so long that others are not physically harmed, despite whether or not their "sympathies" are hurt. I'm not saying that we shouldn't take into account the sympathies of others but we should not impose our sympathies/rules/desires/beliefs on others and then take offense when others reject them; nor should we allow the sympathies of others to silence our personal sovereignty. Silence, above all else, silences progression. At one time the languages and words and grammar used today didn't exist but we use and accept them as if they are concrete and God-given. As Mill points out in his book, much of what once was accepted in history no longer is because someone spoke. Just because we accept something does not mean it's right and just because we don't accept it does not mean it's wrong. It means we've made a choice. I choose to make my choices for me when my choices directly involve me. It pains me to see others not do that. The possibilities of the future are endless if we accept to accept our own acceptances. It is your freedom not to though and that, I accept.

Belief

Last night Stephen came over for dinner and as we sat on the back porch talking we hit a part in our conversation where we discussed belief. The word continues to strike me as I think about the conversation. I mentioned to him last night that belief is one of those ambiguous words that are hard to define. I keep trying but to no avail. Often times I’ve heard faith defined as believing without seeing, which just complicates the idea of belief even further for me. I know I believe in many things. I believe that humanity is good. I believe we are good because we are created in the image of God and God is good. I believe that I can depend on people. I believe there is more to life than this. I believe in many things.

When I think about my belief in people though is when I start to see clarity in the word belief.  You see, there are few people in this world that I believe would put my interests before theirs if I needed them to; however, those few people that I believe would are the ones I’ve never needed to. Which is why, in reality, I don’t trust that they will. I’ve always struggled with trusting people. As a child I believed in people but time and time again I had that belief disproven.  As a teenager I began to limit my belief into just a select group of people and again I was proven wrong. Now at twenty years old I believe in four people outside of my family and I consciously try not to give them the opportunity to prove me wrong. This struggle with trust has plagued my belief in God. As I mentioned in my previous post, “Faith in Question,” no matter how much I question the realness of God I always believe in who God is. I believe in God’s promises. I believe that he provides. I believe that he heals, speaks, and comforts. I believe there is no greater joy or love than the one that comes from the Trinity. I believe these things because they are continuously proven to me. These are things I have, do, and can trust in. Proving that there is a God though is a difficult task. It goes against all reason and logic to believe in such a thing. But why do we believe in reason and logic in the first place? That’s a whole other discussion though. The point in this is that I think part of why I struggle with belief, especially belief in God, is because belief requires trust. I don’t want to come to terms with trusting that God exists because my past has taught me that when you trust in someone or something you will be proven wrong. I often say that art is not a product but a process, in the same way I can apply that to all aspects of life; as well as life in general. Belief is not a product: it is a process. It is the process of believing.

So when I say that I believe in God it does not mean that I do not question Him. It does not mean that I do not wonder if He is there. It doesn’t even mean that sometimes I wish He wasn’t real. It means that I have seen Him work in my life and the lives of many others. I have heard from Him. I have lived intimately with Him. It means that until HE proves me wrong, I have a belief in Him. 

Running

I haven't sat to meander through my thoughts in a while. To write them down and have them stare back at me. To confront them in their tangible form. Now though is as good as any other time I suppose.

life is short. Yes, I'm aware that that's a cliche and that my Faith in Christ tells me life is long, it spans eternity and one day I will have the best of it. I currently don't live on that side of death though. I live on this one and recently I couldn't be more aware of that fact. The last two nights were filled with conversations about life. That mixed with the recent passing of a friend has made the shortness of life a very present thought in my mind. What I've come to terms with is that I have one of those personalities that likes to run. When it comes to "fight or flight" I'm definitely the flight. I know that's why I spent six years trying to escape the reality I was living in. I know that's why my mind is constantly on the run; in flight to somewhere else. This is why the thought of life being short scares me. I don't want to be doing this. I don't want to be sitting at a desk unstapeling and scanning papers. Even more so, I don't want to be running. I hate running. Physically and mentally I despise it. Life is short and I don't want to spend mine running from it. When I think of people I know who are interning with awesome organizations, working with disabled children in Africa, or doing work in Thailand I notice a big difference between them and me. They're fighting towards something. They're fighting to make the most of this side of death. When they're not off somewhere doing amazing things they're fighting the same fight the best they can with all they have from their homes, in their own communities. Me on the other hand? I constantly find myself running.

Where normally the thought of life would cause me to start running I realize I need to stop myself and ask, "Do I want to live in another place because there's something there for me or do I just want to run away from here? Do I entertain the idea of law school because I believe that is my purpose or because I want to run away from the possibility of not amounting to something?" It's time I refuse to fly. It's time I choose to fight. It's time I live life on this side of death. I don't anticipate that it will be easy and I don't except to see drastic changes over night. I am confident though that eventually when I stop to look around, I will see the difference in who I am.

ridiculous.

I want to live a life that makes people say ridiculous. I want to be old and in love with the wind. I want to be passionate, appreciative, and in love. I hope to always amuse myself, to find fancy in the things I do. I never want my mind to wander faster then my feet can move. I want to take advantage of every whimsical idea I have. To intern, travel, work, and grow. To read lots of books. To pen my thoughts. I want my life to be founded in serenity and built on commotion. I want to observe more, paint more, converse more. I want to photograph at least one thing that makes me smile each day. I want to be on the go: going forward, never back. Going towards fulfillment. I want a life that inspires me. I want to look at myself in the mirror and say "ridiculous."


p.s. I added two more things to my list of stuff to do before I'm too old:

1. go to the Blue Lagoon in Reykjavik, Iceland
2. learn how to crochet

a bible to call our own.

For my high school graduation I asked for a bible, which means I went to the Christian store in town with Josh and picked out a bible for my parents to give me. The bible I chose was Every Man's Bible. I went with this one because the study portions of it and the extras seemed fitting for me at the time. Then I had an ESV but I lost that in Africa. My desire is to find a good bible at a used book store. I don't know what people do with their old bibles but I feel like giving a decent conditioned bible to the used book store seems practical. I want a used one because there's something intriguing to me about having a bible that once served some else in their relationship with Christ. To grow intimate with Lord through the same bible that He used to grow intimate with another brother or sister, that to me illustrates the essence of the Body. I like the idea of faith continued and passed along. I'm hoping this weekend I can find a used bible.Who knows maybe God will speak to someone and they'll just give me their bible?

Wonderful New Life

Dear Aimee,

Sorry for taking so long to write to you tonight, I was working duty and got preoccupied doing nothing. Here is the big news though:
 On Sunday night I got baptized!!!! AAAAAHHHHHH!! It still excites me when I think about it!! It was wonderful and everything I could have hoped for. The baptism was a small intimate group of only four close friends and took place in my best friend's pool. Three of the people present have played major roles in both my spiritual and personal life and have been/are the people that I am able to talk about anything with and always trust what they have to say is coming from a Christ-centered place. I was so happy to have them there. It was all so surreal as it was going on and didn't feel like my baptism, I couldn't really make sense of any of it in my mind until I got home. Stephen baptized me, everyone was happy, and I was just speechless. I didn't know what to make of it all. Before the baptism they all prayed for me; it was so strange, I didn't feel like I was physically present for any of it. Like my mind was there but I couldn't personalize the experience at all. When I got home it really hit me. I was super excited and couldn't stop smiling. That's when I text everyone to tell them. That's when the word became real. Prior to the baptism I was talking to Stephen at Starbucks about how Romans 6 had really convicted me when it says that through baptism we are buried with Christ, but after the baptism the second part that says we take part in Christ's resurrection through baptism is what became the important part of that message. I felt and still feel  more alive then I ever have. I feel the realness of Christ's resurrection and the realness of new life. What an honor it is to be chosen by the God of the Universe to join in his life, his victory, his glory. I wish someone would have told me about this feeling earlier but I am very happy that I waited the year and eight months to get baptized. My baptism  was as 1 Peter 3:21 says, a response (or pledge) of a clear conscious towards God. The almost two years I took before my baptism allowed me to consciously be aware of the pledge I was making towards God. I was in full understanding of my response. I have always had a problem with commitment but this was the first time I haven't second guessed or worried about a commitment I have made. Life is all the more beautiful and God is all the more closer, not because he has decided to draw closer but become I have finally responded back to his pull. I am baptized and couldn't be happier.

Romans 6:4 We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order, that just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.


Peace&love my friend. Peace&love.

Dear Aimee Miller,

Have you spent time with the Lord today? I believe He desires to direct you and show you the woman of Christ he is calling you to be. I encourage you my dear friend to draw near to Him and become intimate, to allow God to spur your wants. Always praying for you.

Peace&love

Things to be thankful for... one day.

Dear Aimee,

Happy Belated Thanksgiving! I hope your day was filled with Turkey and joy. Mine was good for the most part. Family tension is inevitable but thankfully my brother and I were on good terms today; probably because I only saw him for an hour spread throughout the whole day. I had food poisoning this week so I wasn’t able to eat much today but portion control is always a good thing J… I figured I could write about why I’m thankful but instead I’m going to write a list of things I want to do before I get too old. In no particular order, here it is:

·      Take a year to live in France and write my days away like the Lost Generation
·      Spend several years doing mission work
·      Go cliff jumping in every continent (except maybe Antarctica because that water is COLD!)
·      Sleep on the beach
·      Visit New Orleans
·      Road trip America
·      Ride a camel wearing a tunic and turban in the Middle East
·      Make friends with an old man that will give me wise advice
·      Take a homeless person to dinner
·      Go skiing in the mountains and get snow in my hair
·      Figure out a place to serve within the church
·      Get married
·      Have a wife that wants to embrace change
·      Have children with awesome names
·      Become part of an activist group
·      Intern for a rad organization
·      Picture document my life
·      Learn four foreign languages
·      Own a cool shop, like a used book store or something of that sort
·      Graduate from college (but if I can do the rest of this list without this one then I won’t complain)
·      Do a backflip
·      Learn to play an instrument
·      Read an entire book in one day
·      See The Machinist
·      Make friends around the world
·      Live in an Earthship House

I think that’s good for now, I’m sure there’s more, I’ll keep you updated.

Peace&love

Oy!

Aimee,

It's 3:00am and I just finished three hours of resume and cover letter writing. I have a one on one at 10:00am, I'm too nervous to sleep. Not because of the one on one but because I just submitted an application for an internship but I'm not at liberty to disclose where to right now. I can tell you however, I put under my skills: "proficient in growing facial hair." OY!! WHY?!?! I don't know either. I thought it was clever and would make it stand out. They said they wanted to be wowed by my sparkling wit. I'm such an idiot!  Oh well my friend.

Oh, and again, I'm super stoked for you and making it straight to the final interview for Teach for America! That's so wonderful and such a great opportunity!!! I'll be praying for you.

...facial hair growing? really? oy! Oh, and I straight up said I don't have the experience. I STINK at this!

In Regards to His Plan

Dear Aimee,

Today, we finally got to catch up in person after what feels like a month of not seeing each other. It made me happy. However, there are a few things that don't make me happy: the fact that people leave the role they play in my life, worries, uncertainty, enmity, and sin.

The point of development for this tangled web of dislike starts with uncertainty. We are uncertain. Every single person that lives, has lived, and will live exists in a state of uncertainty. No one knows what the next five minutes of his/her life will bring. I could die or get a call from a friend or fall asleep before I even finish this letter. I believe that we as people can be certain of only two truths. We can be certain of the Lord and we can be certain that our lives will go on. If there is only two things we can be certain of then that leaves a lot to be uncertain of and this uncertainty leads to worry. But why worry? If we are certain of the Lord then we are certain that He is present. That He is in control. That He knows where our lives will go. Sadly, I know for myself I tend to focus on the other certainty that life will continue. This is a great thing but when we focus on the fact that life will continue then we focus on our earthly lives too often instead of our eternal ones. We begin to worry about how to control the things around us. We focus on the future, relationships, health, wealth, and time. We worry. We put into perspective how short our lives are and how fast they'll go by. We realize that our lives will quickly never be as they presently are. We realize that our friends and the people around us will one day be moved on to their own lives. But why focus on the leaving? Wouldn't it be so much better to focus on the people who will take up new roles in our lives? The people we will meet, serve, love, and learn from? Those people are uncertain though, we don't know whom they are or if there will even be there. We convince ourselves that we need to hold onto what is ours. Our friends. Our families. Our money. Our time. Our space. Our love. We become more compulsive hoarders than the ones on TLC. We hoard everything we are too worried to lose because we are so uncertain as to whether or not we'll always have the things of this present moment. We begin to form a sense of enmity. We become hostile to the world. We believe that the world is trying to take what is ours, trying to replace what we know. We oppose these attempts and close our borders to an extent. We focus on our things. We build our own community and create a division between the world and us hoping that in the end the world will not take from us. When we fall into this mess of a mindset we fall into sin. We separate ourselves from the uncertainties and cling to the things of this world. We spend more time with friends instead of in prayer. We read textbooks and novels more than the Bible. We search google and seek humanly advice instead of seeking the Lord. We put barriers between God and ourselves, thus allowing ourselves to revert back to our sinful nature. We become greedy and selfish, wanting all that we can call ours. We focus solely on the people we worry about losing and neglect all others around us.

We have to be certain of the Lord. If we are certain of the Lord then we can be certain of His word. We can take comfort when His word tells us that nothing is uncertain to Him. When He tells us we have no need to worry. When He tells us that he will provide for us. Where our uncertainty causes us to worry and our worry causes us to focus on people/things that are ours and our intense focus causes us to create a sense of enmity and our hostility causes us to sin; our certainty of the Lord causes us find peace and our peace grants us the ability to accept changes and our acceptance grants us the ability to love freely and our love grants us the ability to keep a guard up to sin. 

So, Aimee, while there are a few things I don't like in and of themselves I realize there are greater reasons as to why I do not like such things. I am also reminded just how important the Lord's role is in our lives is and how much better things would be if I gave him more of me. 

It looks like today was an even better day than I had originally thought. 

Faith in Question

This morning, as in Tuesday morning, I had my weekly Connect Group meeting. The exit we just finished in InnerState80 was primarily on faith and we had some good discussion, but as I read some of the chapters in the book and as we talked I was confronted with the realization that my faith is not all that strong.

Mercedes made the comment that she never doubts if God is real yet she struggles with trusting Him in earthly matters. I on the other hand have the exact opposite problem; I never doubt that God is working in my life and that I can trust Him to be righteous and good. What I do find myself doing quite a bit is questioning, “What if there is no God?”

For my degree I have a concentration in Humanities, which means the predominant themes in a handful of my classes are culture, philosophy, and religion; however, the underlying theme is similarities and progression. These classes like to make a case for the progression of culture and beliefs as a product of man’s development of previously known knowledge, thus connecting everything to a similar origin; especially when it comes to religion. This tests my faith often. When I look at the development of civilization and introduction of religion into cultures and how similar the religions are or how they have progressed I begin to question whether or not God is real or if it is all just the product of man. As I was making a shopping cart for next semester’s classes I was hesitant to sign up for some of the department’s best professors, because I am worried about putting barriers in between Truth and myself. That, though, makes me want to sign up for the classes. What kind of faith is one that can’t withstand testing? I know I don’t want to have a faith that is strong because I shadow it from the realities of the world, I want one the can withstand academic knowledge and informed questioning.

Thankfully, as I was writing this I realized a theme between all the times that I question my faith. I seem to question the realness of Christ when I focus on the similarities of the religions but I am able to reestablish my trust when I remember the differences. When I remember the Gospel.  I believe this is the devil’s greatest temptation for me, his ability to tempt me with doubt. Satan was close to entirely crushing my faith in a god until God himself intervened through Josh last year to open my eyes to the Truth. Satan had almost succeeded by getting me to question once, which is why I think he continues to use it, in hopes of bringing me to the same mental state that I was in a year and a half ago. To combat the darkness I now realize that I must focus on the Light.

My message and preaching were not with wise or persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on man’s wisdom, but on God’s power.

                                                                                       -1 Corinthians 2:4-5

I don't do well with:

• To-do lists
• goals
• plans
• communicating my ideas
• knowing what I want to do
• staying on task
• relating to others' feelings or perspectives
• praying when I say I'm going to
• waking up early
• cleaning my dishes right after I use them
• not spending money
• being singled out
• making decisions 
• parking
• keeping my mind focused on what I'm doing
• remembering what I read
• statistics
• going to class
• choosing productivity over sleep
• hanging flyers
• photographing memories
• reading aloud 
• putting others first at all times
• never doubting my faith or people
• explaining things
• telling stories
• spreading work over time
• remembering to take food out of the freezer in the morning
• correcting people in important matters and not correcting them in frivolous ones 

We Can Love Better...

I was on my way home tonight driving down Alafay with Pandora Radio playing from my phone. As I was approaching campus "Do Better" by Say Anything came on. I got very excited because I will be seeing them with a handful of great friends on November 17th. However, the song became much more than a punk rock song while I was praying tonight, it became a worship song.
As I was struggling to get the song out of my head so I could focus on my prayers something happened and I just started sing new words to the song. The original lyrics at the end of the song are, "we can do better, we can do better, we can be the greatest band in the world;" they became, "we can love better, we can love better, we can serve the greatest God in the world," and variations of such that would emphasize praising God or serving more depending on what came out. I like it, particularly, because this week I've been trying to focus my life on serving and loving others more. I continue to ask myself, "how can I best love and serve so-and-so in this situation?" I think this pondering has come from worship Sunday at church when we sang, "They will know we are Christians by our love, by our love. And they'll know we are Christian by our love." It's true, every word of it is true. People will know we are Christian by how we love others and each other. I know for myself I need to love better. I need be intentional with loving others, taking the time to figure out how to actually love people the best way possible, not how I would like to love them. Loving someone is not a feeling we get inside of ourselves when we think of a person. Loving someone is serving them, attending to their needs, putting them above ourselves. Most often it is easy to distinguish the difference between the I love yous. We know whether it' an I love you as in you're a good person I like being around or an I love you as in you're someone that means a great deal to me and my life or an I love you as in you're important, you matter, here is all of me. If we truly love others the way God calls us to love them, the way Jesus loved them, then our 'I love you' will express the latter of the three. No matter what a person's beliefs are or their lifestyle choice it is important to love them, to place them above ourselves and serve them. As Christians I believe that we can love better and thus serve the greatest God in the world. I sure know that I can.